Sex Relationship Jokes Humor

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel,"replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived, he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she pointed it to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked, "What they don't use those things where you come from?"

"Yeah," she said "But we don't skin 'em!"

An exhibitionist named Joe, was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

"I'm sorry sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

An old man and his wife were listening to their favorite radio evangelist, who promised, "With God's incredible powers behind me, I can heal anything! Place one hand on the radio and the other on that which you want healed, and IT SHALL BE HEALED!"

The old woman put one hand on the radio and the other on her heart. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his pants.

The woman said, "Uh, honey, he said he could HEAL, not BRING BACK FROM THE DEAD!"

There's a kid who lives on a farm. One day he comes home from school in a really bad mood. Walking to the house, he sees a pig and kicks it. Then he sees a chicken and kicks that.

When he walks in the house his mother, who was watching him through the window, says, "I saw you kick those animals. For kicking the pig, you'll have no bacon for a week. For kicking the chicken, you'll have no eggs for a week."

The kid was about to say something when his father walks through the door, also in a foul mood, and kicks the cat. Then he says to his mother, "You want to tell him or should I?"

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died?"

"It did," he replied. "Today is the viewing!"

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."

Reminiscing about their wayward youth, a former hippie asked a onetime flower child, "Say, were you ever picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I bet it'd hurt!"

An Eskimo's snowmobile goes on the fritz. He takes it to a mechanic, who, after examining the vehicle, says, "I think you've blown a seal."

To which the Eskimo replies, "No, that's just a little ice on my mustache."

Two old ladies sitting on the porch at the old folks home? One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them.

Two have a stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

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